Thursday, March 7, 2013

He Knew What He Was Getting Into

I am no stranger to having my spare body parts removed. The complete list of things I've had removed from my body ranges from a lumpy finger thing that the pathology report called a "mixoma" (but I think they just made that up) to an entire human being (did that one twice). I've had a big hunk of colon removed and my gall bladder removed. I've had a bunch of breast tissue removed and my tonsils removed. Adenoids, spleen, appendix, wisdom teeth, and thyroid: if you can live without it, I don't have it.

You'd think I'd weigh less.

I've had a few things removed that were not factory-original. This is how my husband and I courted.


When we were dating, my now-husband would go with me when I had weird things removed- and he usually watched the procedure.


There was the plantar wart surgery where that man put that shot deep into my foot to numb it. I said some colorful words about his mama during that injection... but then my boyfriend watched the doctor cut my foot open and pull the little thing out. Because that's romantic.

I mean, we went to movies and stuff like normal people, too. But... a large part of our courtship involved me getting cut open. What would you expect from a couple who met at a karate school?

Like the time I had this weird lump in my lip. It was pretty big- about the size of a large pea- and made my lip feel all funny. So, one day, my boyfriend took me to the ENT to get it excised... the same ENT who would, years later, take out my cancerous thyroid. But anyway, we went there and the doctor shot a bunch of fluid into my lip to make the thing- a mucocele- easier to get out. After the thing was removed, my face is partially numb and my lip is all swollen and a little bloody. Naturally, we chose this time to go to a local casual dining restaurant.

What happened next... yeah. In my defense... nope. I have no defense.

So we're at Niffer's and the poor, young waiter comes to take our drink order. Bless his heart. He did a double take at my swollen lip and it didn't immediately occur to me that there was any explanation for a swollen, busted lip other than minor lip surgery. So I just asked for diet coke with a straw. And the waiter looked at me... and he looked at Doss... and he looked at me... and there was concern on his face... And then I got it. He thinks this man hit me. I thought that was hilarious.

So, being a good girlfriend, I caught the waiter's' eye and discreetly shook my head. The waiter left and I tell Doss what happened. And I couldn't stop laughing. Doss was significantly less amused.

The waiter returned with our drinks and got ready to take our orders. Doss reached for some Splenda for his tea and, because I'm hilarious, I flinched away from his outstretched hand as it came across the table. The good-guy waiter gave Doss the dirtiest look and I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

I know. It's a wonder that this man stuck around. And he married me.

I tell this story because people sometimes ask what Doss thinks about all the medical stuff going on.   Our answer is, he knew what he was getting into.

This is relevant again because there's more surgery on the horizon. I'm going in for some female stuff. The details are available on a need-to-know basis, but the upshot is my thyroid is not causing the problems I've been having for the past few months. I'm going to have a couple of small procedures to try to fix it so that I won't have to have a hysterectomy.

I know. What can you do?

This is a good thing! Today's tests showed that there are some things amiss that can be fixed. So, once again, trust your gut.

This surgery will be on the Tuesday of spring break so that I won't have to miss any work or cakes. And my mom can come help with the kids for a few days. So no problem.

No comments:

Post a Comment