The future perfect tense

Today, I was in a situation where I was asked by someone what was going on with my neck, and I didn't know what to say.

a. I have thyroid cancer.

b. I had thyroid cancer.

c. I was garroted by a rabid panda.

I don't know. I had cancer. I may still have cancer. I won't know until tomorrow morning. And so I didn't know how to answer the question. After careful deliberation, I think I've found the answer: the future perfect tense.

d. I will have had cancer.

I wish I could preen and brag that I remember the future perfect tense from my rapt attention to grammar in school. Unfortunately, I only remember learning the future perfect tense from an old episode of Murphy Brown.

The whole not knowing thing is wearing on me. I understand that I am crazy lucky that thyroid cancer is super treatable. But not knowing if the cancer is gone... if I'll have to do the radiation thing... what the future side effects will be... when these side effects will wane... if my kids have inherited a predisposition for thyroid cancer... there are a lot of questions swirling around in my head right now. Add to that the fact that (apparently) I've been taking my synthetic thyroid pill wrong which leaves me exhausted and moody on top of my body trying to process the anesthesia from two surgeries in two weeks...

So when someone told me today that I should wear turtlenecks because my neck incisions look gross... and others laughed...  at first it felt like this:

Then my moodiness swung to feeling like:

Before long, I was here:

And now, I'm just:

Because after all: