Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Shopping

Remember that time I got diagnosed with cancer? Yeah, yesterday. That time.

There are a lot of feelings that come along with seeing your name on an official pathology report next to the word "carcinoma". Most of them are bad. There's the obvious, "Oh, crap." And there's the "What's going to happen?". There's "What am I going to tell my kids?". And even with a relatively easy-to-beat cancer like thyroid, there's the old "Am I going to die from this?". Because it's still cancer.

But, it doesn't totally suck. Now, as a two day cancer patient, I can speak with authority. There are some benefits to having the big C. Mind you, they are extremely lame and in no way make it worthwhile. Did you hear that, kids? Cancer: not even once.

For one thing, people are nice to you. Cancer is like a talisman against rudeness. Or maybe it's just that petty stuff doesn't matter enough to register anymore. The flip side of that seems to be that people approach you in hushed tones and ask only how you are. There's no flippant banter about coffee or vampires. Or again, maybe that's my own filter that's keeping me from engaging in that kind of interaction. Meh, we'll see how day three goes.

Obviously, the biggest benefit, by far, is getting to sport a purple shirt at Relay for Life. And, if you look at it a little bit sideways, this is an opportunity to become a cancer survivor. And, I have a sense of relief that I wasn't totally crazy. I knew that biopsy was wrong! I knew it! In your face, biopsy!

And then... there's the humor. Because what's the good of having cancer if you can't laugh at it?

I'm a virgo.

I got this mug yesterday after I had lunch with Doss. (p.s. If you tell your waitress that you're celebrating that you have been given the opportunity to become a cancer survivor, she probably won't understand. Learn from my fail.) At first, he was not amused. He has since come around because I'm hilarious. I bought a mug with a cancer zodiac sign... the day I was diagnosed with cancer!

I like my humor like I like my coffee: dark and in a mug.

But the yin-yang mug is not my greatest shopping purchase of the week. May I present, Ulysses S. Grant:

Technically, he has nothing to do with the whole cancer experience because I found him on clearance at Lowes last weekend. But he makes me happy... partly because he only looks like he's made of wood, but really he's made of some kind of heavy ceramic. And partly because he always looks slightly bewildered.

And that's why Doss is a little bit relieved when my debit card gets stolen and I can't buy anything for a while.

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